Joke #1:
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
Joke #2:
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him."Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar.""Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic.""Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy."Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up.""No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs."Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says."Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts."It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says."Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Joke #3:
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Joke #4:
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
Joke #5:
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Joke #6:
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream." Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets. He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant. When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!"
Joke #7:
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
Joke #8:
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
Joke #9:
An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, “Look here, miss, do you know who I am?” “No,” she replied calmly, “but I now where you are.”
Joke #10:
Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late." Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.
Joke #11:
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. “You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side.“What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. “I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.
Joke #12:
We professors have a memory for names that is best served in one of the following ways: Your name is an eponym (you’re named after a famous person or place), an epiphenomenon process occurred (you told me your name and I remembered it), or an epistolary action occurred (you wrote your name down on the homework). Of the three choices, the last is the best because not everyone can be named Abe Lincoln and we have trouble remembering where we put our wallets. Professor Johnson, 4/19/00, written comments posted on his office door with the suspect homework.
Joke #13:
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
Joke #14:
A couple are reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!
Joke #15:
In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause. On his weekly time card he describes his position as Meat Head.”
Joke #16:
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript.“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”
Joke #17:
Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...
Joke #18:
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
Joke #19:
First friend: "I am getting so tired of having to wade through so much Spam e-mail. Every time I sign on to get my e-mail I have to discard 20 Spam messages."Second friend: "I used to be in exactly the same situation: 20 Spam messages every time I signed on. But I solved that. Now I only get ONE every time I sign on."First friend: "That's terrific. How did you do that?"Second friend: "I sign on 20 times more."
Joke #20:
The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”
Joke #21:
Man: Do you know C.P.R?
Woman: No why?
Man: Because you just took my breath away!
Joke #22:
“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
Joke #23:
“Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.“Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us.” Replied his wife.
Joke #24:
A college student said to his mother, “I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!”
“That is very nice,” muted his mother. “You can go upstairs and start with your room.”
Joke #25:
Why did the woman only change her baby’s diaper once a month? On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"
Joke #26:
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again."Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
Joke #27:
Heather: I noticed by this article that men become bald much more than women because of the intense activity of their brains.John: Yes, and I notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!
Joke #28:
A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; “I just lost 10 pounds!”His friend says; “Turn around; I think I found them!”
Joke #29:
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Joke #30:
The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination tothe safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard. After they rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the gag. “Please,” whispered the cashier, “take the books, too. I’m $7,500 short.”
Joke #31:
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
“No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Joke #32:
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Then he turned to his father and said; “Gee, Dad, stork doesn’t recognized me.”
Joke #33:
A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"
Joke #34:
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time cuz your gonna get him killed!"
Joke #35:
Did you hear about the rock n’ roll singer who wore a hearing aid for four years?Then he found out he only needed a haircut.
Joke #36:
You are blocking the way, sir, said the usher to a man sprawled in the aisle of a theater. “Please get up.” The man didn’t move or reply. The usher called the manager over, who said, “I must ask you to move.” Still the prone man didn’t reply. So the manager called the police. “Get up or I’ll have to take you in,” the officer said. “Where did you come from anyway?” The man stirred finally and said, “the balcony.”
Joke #37:
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed. “Now when I see anther car coming, I shut my eyes.”
Joke #38:
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
Joke #39:
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”
Joke #40:
A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. “Darling’” he implored, “Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.”
Joke #41:
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
Joke #42:
Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
Joke #43:
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Joke #44:
Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Joke #45:
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?”The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”
Joke #46:
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
Joke #47:
“I’d like two pork chops,” asked the woman to her butcher, “and make them lean.”“Yes ma’am,” said the polite butcher, standing then on end. “Which way?”
Joke #48:
Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
Joke #49:
A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. “I know a great one,” his friend said, “but he’s very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that.”The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated “I’m back!”The doctor proceeded with the examination. “Very good,” he said when he was finished.“Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time.”
Joke #50:
The United States is the only country where housewife hires a woman to do her cleaning so she can do volunteer work at the day care where the cleaning woman leaves her child
Joke #51:
- It’s better to be crazy & know it than being sane & doubt it.
- I’m lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I return, please ask me to wait.
- I live in my own little world!!! But that's okay, cause they know me there.
- No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk...
- Daydreaming is way better than school!
- Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance.
- Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind.
- The voices in my head are snoring.
- Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea?
- I’m not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks!
- You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing!
- Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties, nations, & epochs... it is the rule!!!
- Only two things are infinite: the universe, & human stupidity...
- My fist & your teeth have an appointment...
- If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody.
- Caution: Professionals at work
- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
- Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!!!
- Lifting weights are fun!!! Use your siblings to your advantage.
Mackenzie really wasn't all that excited about opening gifts. His attention just wasn't there.
He much would rather play with the other children.
What can you do? I mean, this is a pretty cool toy. He seems to be enjoying more now.
Not too messy yet, but that will change in due time.
Notice the hands... NOTICE THE HANDS!!!
