50 Jokes

Joke #1:
A HAPPY ENDING!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful Dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home… including the curtain rods! I just love a happy ending, don't you?

Joke #2:
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

“What food might this contain?” The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The pig sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured, you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with the farmer around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you, remember - when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

Joke #3:
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action movie about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I've always been a fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg. “Mozart’s the one for me!” replied Sly. “And what about you?” he asked Arnold. “If I’m not Bach, I’ll be Hayden!”

Joke #4:
“This little computer,” said the sales clerk “will do half your job for you.” The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; “Fine, I’ take two.”

Joke #5:
A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, “They tell me that you’re a real lady killer.” The doctor smiled and shook his head. “No, I make no distinction between the sexes.”

Joke #6:
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas. The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers.

Joke #7:
Two truck drivers applied for a job. One said, “I’m Joe and this is my partner, John; when I drive at night, he sleeps.”
The foreman said, “all right, I’ll give you and oral test. It’s two o’clock in the morning. You’re on a little bridge and your truck is loaded with nitroglycerin. All of a sudden a truck comes toward you at about 70 miles per hour. What’s the first thing you do?”
Joe said; “I wake up my partner, John. He never saw a wreck like this before.

Joke #8:
Child: Mom! Can I have a piece of your gum (Certs), please?
Mom: Sweetie. This is a breath freshener gum. It might be too strong for you.
Child: No it won't, Mom. See (while flexing his arm muscles), I have big muscles.

Joke #9:
A girl involved with the women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. “No, No, you must not give up your seat. I insist,” she said.The man replied; “You may insist as much as you like, Lady,” “This is my street where I get off.”

Joke #10:
When a plague of flying ants caused the performance at a variety theater to end prematurely, the manager sent a message to his agent: “Show stopped by flying ants!”The agent replied “Book ’em for another week”

Joke #11:
A man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices. “Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels.”

Joke #12:
Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. “Who’s there?” shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat’s meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds but then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, “Who’s there?”
“The other cat,” answered the prisoner.

Joke #13:
Sign seen in a veterinarian’s office:
The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.

Joke #14:
A man’s car stalled on a country road. He got out to work on it and a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”

Joke #15:
“What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’?” The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.”
“But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.”
“I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill.
“What are you doing?” sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”

Joke #16:
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.” “Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

Joke #17:
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”

Joke #18:
How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (Definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.

Joke #19:
The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the contents of her purse on the table between them. She searched through the pile and finally found a small atomizer. She looked at the label and announced, “Unforgettable”

Joke #20:
A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.
“How will I recognize it?” asked the man.
“It’s the one with all the broken windows,” came the reply.

Joke #21:
A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, “Veterinarian/Taxidermist - Either way - you get your pet back.”

Joke #22:
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

Joke #23:
Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.

Joke #24:
During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, NASA spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

Joke #25:
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. “Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can’t be president?”

Joke #26:
After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

Joke #27:
Two men, both married, were discussing their lives. Suddenly one says, “You know, I think I would like to die before my wife”
“Now why is that?” asked the other.
“Because if she’s there when I arrive, she'll be telling a lot of things about me. And I want to clear my account before that!”

Joke #28:
Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

Joke #29:
A traffic cop in Texas pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, “Do you have any ID?”The motorist replied, “’bout what?”

Joke #30:
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. “Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?” Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. “Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time,” said David. Mr. Harris nodded, “You certainly have a fine weapon.”

Joke #31:
A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. “I hurt,” the man said.“You don’t know how it feels.” “I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.” “Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”

Joke #32:
“The economy is weird.” Remarked one worker to another. “My bank failed before the toaster did.”

Joke #33:
Q: Why are anteaters so healthy?
A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!

Joke #34:
A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

Joke #35:
“I see you’re losing your hair.”
“Nonsense. I know exactly where it is. It’s down the bathroom sink.”

Joke #36:
The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

Joke #37:
Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.

Joke #38:
The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is that your customers don’t complain when they get hair in their food.

Joke #39:
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked.“How will that help?”

Joke #40:
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed. “No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They are trying to resuscitate me.”

Joke #41:
In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, “Where is the murderer?” A threatening voice behind her replied, “Right in back of you, if you don’t sit down!”

Joke #42:
Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news. Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year. Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it’s been.

Joke #43:
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“No,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

Joke #44:
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

Joke #45:
“How are you getting on with your football, Jack?”
“Well, Dad, it’s pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team’s greatest drawbacks!”

Joke #46:
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.

Joke #47:
"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."

Joke #48:
On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You’ve heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to? I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. It must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience! I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can’t they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one was yielding to the other. I’m finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: “Thanks for helping me separate these two carts.”

Joke #49:
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk, “Only cash and credit cards.”

Joke #50:
“Say, Joe,” a man said to his friend, “how do you like your new job?”
“It’s the worst job I have ever had.”
His buddy asked, “How long have you been there?”
“About three months,” Said Joe.
“Why don’t you quit?” said his friend.
“No way. This is the fist time in 25 years that I have looked forward to going home after work.”