A Series of Jokes

Joke #1:
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Joke #2:
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So, all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple: whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner. So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"

The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes, her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive," said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes, literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that?" he asked.

And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't."

Joke #3:
A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch." The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know… I used to have an old pickup truck just like that."

Joke #4:
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"
"Get out! I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."

"Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this… "
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?"

Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Joke #5:
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points.

"Cool." they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

Joke #6:
One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. 
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie. 
"I want one billion dollars," replies the man. 
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get." 
"I know," replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content. 
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. 
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

Joke #7:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Joke #8:
The policeman was interviewing the man whose store had jus been robbed.“It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the policeman asked
“Because, today everything was on sale.”

Joke #9:
EVER WONDER…

• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


• Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


• Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?


• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Joke #10:
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

Joke #11:
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

• Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.


• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.


• Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.


• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.


• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."


• When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.


• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."


• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.


• Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."


• At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


• Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."


• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Joke #12:
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him.”

Joke #13:
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

Joke #14:
The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"

Joke #15:
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”
“Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
She asks: “Class of 49?”

“Yes I was”, was the answer.
The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”

Joke #16:
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth… (Do you see how addictive alcohol is?)

Joke #17:
Husband: Why can’t you make bread like my mother?
Wife: I would if you could make dough like your father!

Joke #18:
Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it.
Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.

Joke #19:
Two women are talking about their marriage. One woman says: “I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray.”
“Why not, he’s loved you through three shades already,” replies her friend.

Joke #20:
Mr. Parker saw his son’s shiner and demanded, “Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?”

“No one,” replied the spunky child. “I had to fight for it.”

Joke #21:
A man entered a barbershop and said: “I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said.

“What’s the matter?” asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?”

“No,” he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!”

Joke #22:
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

Joke #23:
There once was a blonde who had always heard about ice fishing, so one day she tried it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole, and started fishing. All of a sudden, she hears a voice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She ignores it and moves to another area, cutting a hole, and beginning to fish again. Again she hears the booming voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!" She is starting to get freaked out now. "Lord? Is that you?" she asks. In reply she hears, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Joke #24:
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?”
”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?”
“Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

Joke #25:
Fun Things to Do In an Elevator:

• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"


• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"


• Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.


• Sell Girl Scout cookies.


• On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.


• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral


• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"


• Meow occasionally.


• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.


• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Joke #26:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Joke #27:
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.”
 The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Joke #28:
Q: What do you call a story told by a giraffe?
A: A tall tale!

Joke #29:
Two Antartians are walking along the highway together when one of them suddenly turns around and starts walking from where he came.

Antartian-2 runs back to catch up with the other and very curious asks, "Why did you turn around?"

To that Antartian-1 replies, “There was a sign saying wrong way, go back."

Joke #30:
One guy to another; “they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don’t believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn’t see any difference!”

Joke #31:
After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured. The patient says: “Some cure! Before, I was Alexander the Great and now I’m nobody!”

Joke #32:
Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry?!”