January Jokes

Joke #1:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Joke #2:
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said "if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

Joke #3:
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before, so pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Joke #4:
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Joke #5:
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Joke #6:
A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life. He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant. After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive. The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?" The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million pigeons!"

Joke #7:
Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"

Joke #8:
If love is blind, and marriage is an institution, is marriage an institution for the blind?

Joke #9:
I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it’s a famine.

Joke #10:
Two buddies were having a chat. Said one, "You know, I can trace my ancestors up the Family Tree." The other responded," That's so? Well, far as l know, there are only two things that live on trees: birds and monkeys, and I see that you don’t have any feathers."

Joke #11:
Have you heard about the new Italian electric car? It's just $2000, but the extension cord is $12000.

Joke #12:
Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

Joke #13:
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…”

Joke #14:
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- Knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- The big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.”